Read or listen to Colin Bates’ essay
We talk a lot about how direct-care workers help people achieve independence, but isn’t that really a contradiction in terms? I’m wondering because I just listened to Our Vulnerability is Our Strength, an essay read on NPR’s Weekend Edition.
In his June 8 broadcast, Colin Bates (pictured), a resident service assistant and a student at Pennsylvania State University, argued that the key to relationships in long-term care – or any other setting, for that matter – is interdependence. Describing the two men with profound mental retardation who he assists as “my bosses, essentially,” Bates talked about what he does to assist them and why he loves his work. “I believe in helplessness,” he said, “which is to say I believe we need other humans.”
“The cool thing about the guys I work for is that they make their needs explicit,” he said. “Things that take seconds for most of us, like changing socks, can take hours for them, but their vulnerability isn’t a handicap so much as an example. Being with them, encouraging them-‘Yes, the socks are on! The socks are off!’-puts things into perspective.”
Elise Nakhnikian, Senior Online Editor
enakhnikian@phinational.org
I love the idea proposed here; Interdependence as a good thing. Our American society does seem to see dependence as such a bad thing, a weakness to avoid because it means the beginning of the end. But what about thinking about it as just a natural change in life’s journey? We start off completely dependent on our parents, slowly become independent, and then at a certain point we need to let ourselves be ok with accepting help again. Maybe we could learn to always allow for some level of relying on others, even just for emotional support or for a little boost on a bad day – and feel blessed for it. Then as we age it wouldn’t be so hard to accept more help as we need it. My 87 year old Dad has done this very gracefully, but my neighbor across the street, who has been alone for about 15 years now, seems to find it almost physically distressing to accept the smallest favors. She’s so afraid of looking weak and being carted off to the nursing home. Her life is much more difficult because of her resistance. Thanks for bringing up this important issue Elise. Let’s start a revolution of Interdependence for a longer, better life for all of us.
Exactly! This is a whole different kind of culture change we’re talking about, since we do prize independence and competition over interdependence and cooperation as a culture. But if all of us who are used to taking care of ourselves and who feel uncomfortable when we need some assistance could just start getting used to accepting help gracefully, as you say, think how we could transform our lives — and the lives of the people who care about us.
Not to mention changing the dynamic between “caregiver” and “care recipient,” which can turn uncomfortable if people feel disempowered, or are made to feel somehow different or lesser because they are in a position of receiving assistance.
Isn’t it interesting that nearly everyone likes to help someone else, even if they don’t like to accept help? Maybe letting in those who want to help when you’re feeling vulnerable is the ultimate act of generosity.